I'm still here. LJ is still a thing. I do still write, just rarely ever here, or anywhere for that matter.
So-much-shit is happening in the world and how that has affected my day-to-day life is exhausting. I have wrapped my life around limited Twitter characters. The dissonance is strong. I focus on the items I can control with what little power I have.
I think constantly about these things: moving to another country, remodeling my house, realistically figuring out how to start a commune with my friends, worrying that my five year old will be shot at school, not comprehending that my five year old is actually going to school in September, feeling like I have failed both kids for not teaching either how to swim or ride a bike, wanting to take all my kid's possessions and burn them in the front yard for their ungratefulness, wondering why can't extra weight just float away, confused as to why I still can't see myself, wondering if thirty-seven is too young to start wearing mumus, how to get my husband to put his phone down that doesn't include sex, and for the love - I need to cut back on my coffee habit, but that cold brew with salted cold foam is so damn delicious.
All of that makes me tired and hopeless, numb and overstimulated. I am trying to do my part. I show up when I can, or send money when I cannot. I think about my kids and wonder what kind of world I want them to have, and strive towards that. I also feel completely defeated that it won't matter how much I say, or do, or give -- there is no quick resolution, no easy fix.
Mostly, I feel dumb for not seeing... or not caring... or both. I sometimes think I was not made for the fight, to advocate, and then think of how privileged it is that I can have the choice to stick my head in the sand.
Then two minutes later it's passive-aggressively commenting that my co-workers keep forgetting to do something, or researching dog food, or checking houses for sale, or telling my son to stop throwing things, or googling terms like "stan" and realizing for the umpteenth time I am old.
It's all too much, people.