April 5th, 2018


Check yo crazy.

I can't sleep. The past few weeks have been rough with the kids. I'm not sure when I got a solid night sleep, and by solid - I mean from 10pm to 5:45am without interruption. We had a small stomach bug go through the house, but then Arri woke us up screaming last night. I thought for sure she had an ear infection, but it appears that it's not... or one that can be seen. ::shrug:: I was a zombie most of today and feeling quite worried about her, taking my concerns from general to catastrophic. Then Nick needed me to step in regarding Henry's inability to go back to bed. Not sure what's so hard about being almost 14 months, but whatever. And in complete stupid mom form, I decided to look up information regarding the kids/health... and commence crazy-mom-spiral.

Do you know how hard it is to be a mom? I am sure there is something to be said about being a dad and its struggles, but do you know about moms? Do you know how much pressure there is on a mom to know absolutely everything there is regarding how to raise and care for a kid? As if we are magically implanted with a "how to" chip in our womenly brain on how to handle all-things-kids? Spoiler alert: nope. However, that doesn't negate constant societal pressure that we do, proved to us with messages of your lack of abilities and pictures to compare how unqualified you are. You thought you were feeding your kids well? Let me tell you how you are definitely not. Are you brushing your kids teeth twice a day with fluoride toothpaste, and flossing? I'm going to scare the shit out of you regarding tooth decay right quick, just to make sure you understand what your lack of action equals. Is your kid crying out in neck pain? They could have kninked a muscle, or... meningitis... you decide, but choose wisely 'cause, you know, brain damage.

I want to say, on the grand scale of things, I do well for my kids. I love them, feed them, get the medical help they need, provide a home, support them, guide them. But. There is always a but. I am actively working on being kinder to myself, telling myself that I am enough right here, right now, doing exactly this - even if it is not perfect, even if it doesn't fit some conformed mold. This is excursatingly hard. Terrifying, even. Because I am allowing myself to be "less". As a mom, this is never an acceptable option. Ever. I always feel two steps behind, and while in some cases, who cares, but when you are a mom and caring for two people who do not have another, a better, mom to turn to...

See. This. It's fucking hard being a mom. Every day you are judged and labeled by what you can or cannot do for, or with, your children. It's a neverending toxic sludge you wade through. I am exhausted.

The end.
  • Cop-a-squat: The House
  • I'm feeling: distressed distressed
  • Jamz: Snoring