Christie (starieskie) wrote,

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Mom Impossible

In 55 days or so, I should be at the hospital working on pushing another human out of my body. There are definitely days where the thought never crosses my mind. Then there are days where it consumes me. I had no idea what to expect with Aurelia, and I expect no less from our second kid. There is so much that could go right or wrong, or some middle ground where it's simply - we all survived and high-fives all around.

I think the hardest thing for me to grasp is what our lives will be like once this baby arrives. I will no longer be simply "Arri's mom". My husband will be a father of two. My daughter becomes a sibling and the oldest. I think about how Nick comes home with Arri, the dog has been run and dinner is on the table. We decide bath-time, dance party, or a part of a movie because the adults can't-even anymore. It is just us three... well, four with Jenny. But for Arri, it's been just Mom and Dad for almost three years and all of that is going to change instantly once this new person joins the pack.

And I'm not only talking about how Arri will feel, how difficult it might be for her to see her parents all the sudden be giving love and attention to another human that she's supposedly related to, and needs something first, and OMG what just happened!? I am also talking about myself. I love Aurelia more than I ever thought was possible. She is everything to me in a way that I never knew existed. She is and will forever be my baby; she will always be that moment of utter amazement and exploding joy and complete fear as she was laid on my chest after birth. How will I even feel about this next kid...? Can it even be possible to love someone else as much...? To be as amazed, as joyful...? I know I will feel fear, that is a given.

When Nick and I talked about having kids, we were always going to have two. And now that we are in the thick of expecting our second kid, I don't think we ever really talked about what that would mean. Sure, we'd talked about how long until we'd try for our second, and in passing about when we thought we'd be able to enjoy family trips without naps in the middle of day. But did we ever really stop to think about what our family dynamic would be because we decided on two? Or did we simply know our own histories, what it meant to have one sibling, and that was enough?

I am excited and nervous about our second baby. But mostly, I'm curious to see what our little family will be, what it will look like as it grows, how it will stuggle and thrive simultaneously.

the. end.
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