Christie (starieskie) wrote,

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Waking Up Alone in 2017

For the past few days, I have been living alone. There’s a certain kind of freedom in being alone that I forgot about, after all these years of sharing my life with a person and then people. I am lucky to say there are times when I get afternoons, even full-days off. But they are never really “off”; it’s simply fewer amount of hours of some kind of responsibility. I still need to get a child ready, run errands, make dinner, etc. However, right now and for another four days, my main concern is simply myself… and technically this baby still growing in my uterus and this inexplicably whiny dog, but whatever. I have indulged all of my wants, which basically means – “I’m hungry, what restaurant/bakery/food store am I going to?” or, “Reading a book until whenever sounds like a great idea.” It’s simultaneously outstandingly blissful and nerve rackingly laissez-faire.

I forgot about how quiet things gets when you’re alone. When driving, there aren’t DJ requests coming from the backseat, so I have kept the radio on low or off completely. The house is soundless, except for the furnace ticking on or slowly shutting down. For a bit, I thought about filling the silence with noise, streaming music or putting on a movie. But instead I have let the silence be blanketing, and I tiptoe around, letting myself be uncomfortable in it. My mind, inevitably, turns to Nick and Aurelia and how lost I feel without their presence, or the baby’s foot kicking out my right side and how unprepared I feel about its pending arrival; I think about how much my family is my life. All of which is endearing and bleak, depending on your point-of-view.

Yes, my family is my life, to an extent. My daily routine is almost completely dependent on their needs. Even the 8.5 hours I spend at work are technically for the well-being of our cohort. Not having them around has felt like I am missing a limb, but having that weight be gone has been liberating. It feels nice to be self-interested, to ask myself the question and give myself the answer, even if it takes me hours to decide. However, I picked and then made people with whom I want to spend my time with. No matter how crazy-making having a family can be, it is a choice I have made and will always continue to choose.

I must say, being alone is important and healthy, especially when you never are. These days have been refreshing, these moments alone revitalizing. I also recognize I say that with a lot of privilege. I hope I can return the favor to Nick, or anyone - really, some day.

To end 2016, I had one glass of Martinelli's apple cider, read a few chapters, put on Love Actually and listened to Jenny incessantly bark at the fireworks more extroverted people were setting off in celebration of the coming New Year.

I officially rang in 2017 at 1:30AM via turning off the running credits and taking my first of many overnight pregnancy pees. Don’t be jealous. I have made no resolutions and have zero expectations for the New Year. I simply hope that all the change that comes is met with care and patience, love and understanding, wine and sushi.

The End.
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